Things happening right now.
I started university again (still working, but trying to study for fun next to it).
Got covid for the first time (Hopefully nearly at the end, but it still takes so much energy. so being awake late feels like a win).
Started antidepressants and feel like I've missed out on life so much the last years. Bc omg this is such a different experience right now!
I WANT to do things with family and friends and for myself. Not just bc I know it would be good (doing all the things therapy tought me to do) but bc I actually look foreward to it and enjoy doing it.
And I don't panic anymore - even if I don't do things right away. I can deal with having to do stuff and I don't hate myself if I mess things up. It's not "all too much" and "will it ever end" as soon as anything happens.
Spending this much time with my child and being able to be fully present and just myself has been such a gamechanger. I didn't (want to) realize how distant and on autopilot I was.
I am really happy that I asked for medication. I was just so tired of always fighting. Knowing all of the right things to do and it was still so, so much effort. I was exhausted.
Luckily, after telling him of my more than 20 year history of trying with professional help (sometimes more, sometimes less successfull), my doctor quickly agreed that maybe this isn't something that I can fix with "the right toolbox" and that more therapy might not be the answer.
I know it won't fix all my problems, but it sure as hell feels like it eradicated about 80% of them.
