I've been going to a dance workshop for a few weeks now. And the hardest thing for me is allowing myself to feel my body.
I have had a bad history with myself and ignoring my body to some extend seemed to be the best way to live a normal life. I'm still not sure what part is trans body disphoria, what part is eating dissorder and if they are even separated. I only know that it took me to some dark places in my life that I don't want to visit again.
As someone who overcompensated with sports and such, I have missed the connection to my body, so I am slowly trying to reconnect.
But it is highly triggering and I have to constantly remind myself that I am allowed to eat. That my body is okay the way it is (not good, not bad. Just existing and doing a good job in keeping me alive).
It's been over ten years since I've been able to allow myself to take part in physical activities, bc I wasn't able to cope with what it does to me.
Doing it is.. good. Really good. But it's also really hard
*hugs* I understand that knowing is different than accepting, but I'd still like to offer a gentle reminder that your body is worthy of respect and dignity, and it deserves to be nourished. Unconditionally. <3
Dancing is so hard, though, emotionally. The queer gym i go to has a dance class and I cannot get over the mental barrier to go take it and get confronted with my body on *that level*, even though the gym owners have removed all mirrors, teach it with lights mostly off and offer a curtain to hide behind. But it's still really scary. I really hope you can stay safe while you're doing it <3
I think it's already an amazing accomplishment that after such a long time of being in an 'it's complicated' relationship with your body you can manage to get yourself to dance. Doesn't already have to feel good. But I hope at least part of it feels as thrilling as this deserves to be!
thank you both <3
@marbear your gym sounds amazing! We have mirrors and stuff, but it is also very queer, so that helps to feel save.
And I understand your point of how dancing has a certain level to it that makes it extra hard. But I wanted to do it for so long and tbh reading about your experiences with your gym gave me more courage to try <3
@ver0nika you are right. It feels shitty and liberating at the same time. But I hope I'll get there.
And it does feel good sometimes. I see glimpses of just letting go and enjoying myself while feeling the connection of my body and the music and those moments keep me going, because it is amazing.